Lesbian fetishism is a power move resulting from the tension of uncertainty between hatred and acceptance. A trained attack dog, running on conditioned hate, will chase blood in the enemy. But there’s a space between the attack and the dog lying on its back in acceptance of its surroundings. Lesbian fetishism, like the fetishism of any oppressed group, is the frightening curiosity after the secretly anticipated first sniff.
The first sniff is not equal. It’s a rottweiler sniffing a chihuahua. The big dog is so clumsy with its size that it – sometimes unintentionally – bowls over the small one. The rottweiler barely notices. It barely cares. Sometimes, it revels in the power disparity for a confidence boost, flexing stiff legs, locked eyes and a deceitfully wagging tail over the cowering chihuahua, scarcely the size of its jaw. Should the powerless be thankful the powerful isn’t mauling it? How could we ever call this love or acceptance?
Fetishism isn’t always sexual. The Cambridge Dictionary defines the act of being fetishistic as including “having so much interest in an activity or object that you spend an unreasonable amount of time thinking about it or doing it.” Lesbian fetishism involves spiritual fetishism: “worshipping an object that is believed to have a spirit or special magical powers; relating to this kind of worship.” Instead of accepting lesbians as normal humans who are neutrally part of one’s surroundings, the lesbian fetishist conceals their homophobia by appearing fanatic – dehumanising lesbians in the process.
The power politics of sex is not a new field of inquiry, but lesbians are de-sexualised as much as power-holders sexualise us. It’s all fetishism. The sexual fetishisation of lesbianism dehumanises us by focusing solely on how we arouse, while the spiritual fetishisation of lesbianism dehumanises us by rejecting what is sexual about us. The fetishisation of lesbianism reeks of the madonna-whore dichotomy.
Sexual fetishism
Lesbian sexual fetishism is predominately shaped by the way lesbianism is perceived as a “Whoreish” performance for men under the heteropatriarchal male gaze. We are treated like a pornography category by men, correctively raped or harassed by men, unicorn-hunted by male/female couples, secretly used as a sexual experiment by non-lesbian women who would never publicly identify as same-sex attracted, and approached by women to make out in front of men, for their sexual arousal.
While actual lesbians – female homosexuals – make up such a small percentage of Earth’s population, Pornhub recorded “Lesbian” as the most popular pornography category of 2023. Any lesbian who has existed openly in public knows how dangerous and frequent the male obsession with lesbian porn is, but heterosexual women are increasingly watching it too.
While lesbians are expected to empathise with heterosexual women’s consumption of lesbian porn, I find it hard to believe they are all just exploring their sexual orientation or finding less brutal forms of pornography. According to a recent poll on the lesbian_herstory Instagram (650+ responders in 4 hours), 92% of lesbians believe non-lesbian women can fetishise lesbians too. The sexual fetishisation of lesbians – treating us as a taboo freakshow or a challenge for men – is so common that it triggers a Pavlovian sexual response in those who aren’t even attracted to us.
Lesbians exist knowing that they are viewed as masturbation material. Our relationships are excluded from search algorithms and social media or are placed behind mature content walls because our existence causes erections. Many lesbians hide themselves away, too, referring to themselves as gay or queer in an attempt to escape the pornification of the word “lesbian.”
“I was groped and had my ass slapped nonconsensually by a drunk straight woman during a concert … she thought it was OK because I was also a woman and clearly gay” – Rie, 34, Seattle, WA, USA.
“I was at my school ball with my girlfriend, and these boys stood behind me and her when I kissed and were talking about how hard their dicks were and how it was so hot that we were girls making out. We were both 16. [I’ve also experienced] getting recorded kissing a girl by people on the street.” – Em, 18, Ireland.
“An old friend in college would plan ahead with her boyfriend to get me drunk so that she could experiment with me because I was out as gay so I was her way of accessing the cool novelty of lesbianism. Her behavior was entitled and objectifying, and I ended the friendship after she orchestrated an impromptu all-girl four-way on a trip and then wouldn’t speak to me for days afterwards.” – T, 25, Long Island, USA.
“[I’ve] been told I need to try dick multiple times by straight people. Been kissed by straight women in public without consent. Been asked by men and women to describe lesbian sex/”what we do”.” – Rachel, 35, CA, USA.
“[I was] openly lesbian at a retail job and my 40-year-old male coworker would ask me questions about lesbian sex and threesomes with men. I was 19.” – Yen, 21, Melbourne, Australia.
“I have a friend who mainly fantasizes about being in a lesbian relationship to escape dating men (who she’s obsessed with at all times) but is also nearly disgusted with being sexually involved with a woman (despite claiming attraction to). She often invades lesbian kink spaces to voyeur how we are intimate but will use that to fuel her hetero sex life (like watching porn in real life).” – Sammy, 27, Texas, USA.
“My immediate thought is a recent Katy Perry performance, where she and Doechii scissored on stage. She does so during a song specifically about men, and why? What does she gain by doing this with a woman towards a clearly male target audience? … Men also get obsessed with the idea of ‘turning’ a lesbian.” – Parker, 20s, CA, USA.
“I’ve been seeing [skits] across social media lately depicting a “straight” girl coming over to a lesbian’s place and making very obvious moves on the lesbian shown in the video while the lesbian is clearly uncomfortable … It’s a pretty common notion that lesbians are a sexual experiment.” – Juniper, 21, NY.
“On a base level if [men are] attracted to women, multiple women being sexual together is probably extra attractive. But it becomes a fetish in how they can only conceive of lesbians as performative for them. If a lesbian couple is not being performative for men, then they need to be reminded that they should be and ‘corrected’.” – RB, 28, London, UK.
“[Non-lesbian women spam] masc lesbian social media comment sections with some iteration or another of, “I love my husband, I love my husband 🥵” or “omg, I thought I was 100% straight, but 👀.” Approaching all relations with women as casual “fun,” … Married bisexual women on dating apps consistently ignored my parameters about being monogamous. The language that’s been messaged to me by some of these women has been akin to a frat dude trying to pick you up in a bar (e.g. omg, sorry if this is rude, but that pic of you with cleavage is SO HOT). No game, deceptive about their sexuality/relationship status, etc.” – Saucy, 41, Pennsylvania, USA.
“[Non-lesbian women] kiss lesbians but don’t count it as cheating because it is a woman.” – Val, 26, Latam.
“When I came out to my parents at the kitchen table, it was a very hushed coming out because I knew that the friend I had told before had not taken it well, so I wanted to tell my parents before they got it from someone else. So when I told them that I am a lesbian, my dad’s first reaction was, “We don’t talk about sex on the kitchen table.” I was 12 and definitely not talking about sex. It took me about a month or two to change my dad’s opinion on lesbianism.” – Jade W, 21, Germany.
“[Non-lesbian women] kiss their friends in front of their boyfriends or just men in general … [they] will be really touchy-feely with each other, but only in a bestie way … [they] use us for character development and discard us when they’re done.” – Eve, 21, CA, USA
Spiritual fetishism
Lesbian spiritual fetishism is predominately shaped by the way lesbians are perceived as the “Madonna”: the virginal mother and servant-protector of women. Our female homosexuality and sexual essence are stripped from us. We become an exit route for male-attracted women to identify as, and we are expected to be OK with it because we are seen as the ultimate understanding feminist. Despite so many lesbians – and women, for that matter – not being feminine, lesbians are downgraded to a feminine x feminine aesthetic that even males are allowed to participate in.
Instead of female homosexuality defining us, we are accused of exclusionary gatekeeping if we reserve our right to protect our community from spiritual fetishism. However, according to polls on the lesbian_herstory Instagram, 68% of lesbians believe that male-attracted women identifying as lesbians is a form of fetishism, 65% think it’s homophobic, and 86% believe they shouldn’t be allowed to identify as a lesbian at all. Keep in mind that all “lesbian” respondents self-identify as such – there is no way to “check” – and they might be male-attracted themselves. The entitlement to lesbianism is real.
Lesbians can encourage such spiritual fetishisation to the detriment of ourselves. When lesbians pushed back against homophobia in the women’s movement of the late 1960s, some attempted to normalise lesbianism by making it a feminist statement open to any woman who led a woman-centred life. On the surface, Political Lesbianism was merely an affirmation of male-attracted women’s solidarity with lesbians, but it ultimately argued that “any woman could be a lesbian.” Historical, lesbian practices like Butch-Femme relationships weren’t deemed feminist enough.
Some lesbians are right-wing. Some lesbians aren’t feminists. Some lesbians are abusive. Lesbians aren’t a political monolith. The only thing that binds lesbians is our female homosexuality: female attraction towards other females with no attraction to males.
“One time, this group of girls I know (all varying sexualities but none lesbian, and most with boyfriends) all started doing a ritual type thing where they were saying how much they hated men and then started really praising and worshipping the power of lesbians … [It] left me feeling quite weird.” – H, 21, UK.
“I think non-lesbian women see lesbians (particularly masc/butch lesbians) as safer versions of men who will prioritize their pleasure due to female socialization.” – Emma, 21, Ohio, USA.
“I think on the one hand there’s a certain kind of straight woman that views us as somehow more evolved, as though our sexuality places us out of the reach of straight male misogyny (the “god, I wish I were a lesbian” crowd). And on the other hand there’s a kind of straight woman who perceives us as a non-threatening source of desire that can be used to boost their self-esteem.” – Kirst, 37, London, UK.
“[Non-lesbian women] may fantasize about the way that lesbians live and treat others … A woman may be obsessed with the idea that I’m a lesbian and play me like she wants me and then at the last minute say I’m not into lesbians like that.” – Grace, 26, Richmond, VA, USA.
“I think [non-lesbian women] are unhappy with heterosexuality under patriarchy and they view lesbianism as some sort of idealistic “alternative lifestyle” for women who are able to escape patriarchy … [ignoring the] reality lesbians are still affected by patriarchy, and in some ways are more unsafe because of it than non-lesbians are.” – Ali, 28, Chicago, USA.
“[Non-lesbian women] think we are exempt from everything their shitty boyfriends are and do, like some idealized people and simultaneously they just want to “try” us like objects and get back to men eventually. They think they can be sexually desired by us without the sexism and bullshit they get from men, and it appeals to them.” Ad Astra, 30, Scandinavia.
“I think [non-lesbian women] are jealous that men ‘love’ lesbians. I also think they’re jealous of the quality of lesbian sexual satisfaction.” – Rachel, 35, CA, USA.
“Non-lesbian women feel politically guilty about their sexual attraction to men in spite of how they logically understand men to treat and regard women … [They make] lesbians the judge and jury of their ‘queerness’ as if it’s our job.” – RB, 28, London, UK.
“Most bisexual women I have encountered seem to only want attention from us. They don’t turn to other bisexual women for relationships … It seems like they need us to validate their existence.” – CC, 42, WA, USA.
“I think that there is a perception that lesbian relationships are easier, do not experience interpersonal strife, or are an escape from male violence.” – Victoria, 39, Canada.
“…Bi women who say they’re 90% attracted to women while having a boyfriend…” – Jules, PNW, USA.
“[Non-lesbian women] could be, to an extent, jealous of the way lesbians are naturally distanced from men and simply don’t “need” them in the same way. But, of course, nobody really needs men for anything other than procreation.” – Ana, 23, Idaho, USA.
The idea that lesbianism is an extension of feminist sisterhood open to all women who want to live female-centred lives, or, otherwise, just a performance to appease or challenge male arousal, is quintessential fetishism in its dehumanisation.
Females who do not experience attraction to males – not a moment in their lives – exist. We do not fuck for the arousal of men. Our love is not to be appropriated by women who are tired of men. Lesbianism is not pornography or feminism but a secret third thing: female homosexuality. Leave us alone.
*Thank you to everyone who submitted long responses for this story. We received so many responses that we could not include every answer.
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