Disclaimer: In this article, I’ll be referring to research undertaken on the Lesbian Herstory Instagram. Poll 1, a permanent highlight on the page, details the results. Between 2000-5000 lesbians responded to each individual question/poll. Some non-lesbian outliers would have taken the polls, despite me asking for lesbian-only answers, but not enough to skew the results. The Lesbian Herstory Instagram is currently followed by 30,000 people. 96% are women and 4% are men. The vast majority are between 18 and 45 years old.
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Lesbians are pulled between solidarity with gay men, because of homophobia, and straight women, because of misogyny. We have prioritised solidarity with gay men or straight women at different points in history, depending on the contextual concerns. When man-attracted women feel authorised to identify as lesbians then articulating the experiences of homosexual women is difficult. This article represents the current lesbian beliefs on gay solidarity and women’s solidarity as best as possible.
In the second half of the 20th century, the fight for gay liberation and women’s liberation were simultaneously in full swing. In the 1970s, groups like Radicalesbians exposed the way lesbian voices were being overpowered by gay men in the quest for gay liberation. When lesbians turned to feminism for support, they were either portrayed as “menaces” for wanting lesbian issues addressed or were appropriated. Lesbianism was only rational if it was a “choice” available to all women. The fact that lesbians are not attracted to men was – and still is – unfathomable to society.
Many women discover they’re not attracted to men after heterosexual sex and relationships. That’s understandable. Heteronormativity forces many lesbians into relationships with men, which is only exacerbated in more homophobic contexts. Women are socialized to have a complex relationship with desire. However, lacking an attraction to men is integral to being a lesbian, despite what we may have done on the journey to realisation and acceptance.
The expectation for lesbians to solely focus on women’s liberation at the expense of gay liberation, because “they’re men,” was complicated by the HIV/AIDS epidemic. Many lesbians came back from the communes to care for their gay brothers. “Suddenly, the hospitals were full of lesbians who were volunteering,” Jon, a gay man living in San Francisco during the HIV outbreak in the 1980s said. “I remember being so moved by them because gay men hadn’t been too kind to lesbians. We’d call them ‘fish’ and make fun of the butch dykes in the bars – and yet, there they were.” Gay men developed an increased appreciation for lesbians.
Politicising lesbianism
Political Lesbianism, the theory that every woman can choose lesbianism – even if they’re not sexually attracted to women – justified lesbian appropriation. Feminists were not convinced that women could possess any privilege or power over lesbians. All women “deserved” lesbianism.
Political “lesbians” drop the “political” and identify as “lesbians” day-to-day. What word is there for women who aren’t attracted to men and are attracted to women? We don’t deserve one, apparently. Who we are is sacrificed to be more inclusive. Political Lesbianism argues sexual orientation is a social construct: it is manufactured by the “choices” we make. How is it feminist to claim that all women are attracted to men, lesbians simply abstain? That is heteronormativity. 79% of lesbians reported being told that they have the capacity to fall for a man. Proposing that sexuality is “fluid” for everybody is homophobic.
The experiences of those of us “born this way” are dismissed in academic debates. Our experience isn’t “intellectual” enough. Like the 2017 same-sex marriage plebiscite in Australia, homosexuality is always up for public debate and those of us “born this way” are patronised. If sexual orientation was socially constructed then we would all be straight because heterosexuality is naturalised and normalised.
Lesbians of today aren’t okay with being appropriated. 79% of lesbians stated that they aren’t comfortable with man-attracted women using “lesbian” to describe themselves. Justifying the appropriation of lesbianism in the name of “women’s liberation” is a guilt trip. 74% of lesbians said that straight women require more emotional labour from them than gay men do. Political Lesbianism pressures lesbians to downplay homophobia out of feminist solidarity. We don’t exist to sexually, romantically, or emotionally serve anybody.
Problematicising lesbian sex
Lesbianism is sexual, despite diverse appetites. Janice Raymond wrote that “re-sexualising” lesbianism – as if it’s not sexual in nature – makes lesbianism a “lifestyle” that centralises “male-power modes of sexuality.” While feminist politics of sex is an important discussion, lesbian sexual desire has nothing to do with men. Lesbianism isn’t inherently kinky. In fact, only 34% of lesbians reported having engaged in BDSM.
Problematising all penetration reinforces Man’s monopoly on active sexual desire. 62% of lesbians reported non-lesbian women had said or implied that lesbians are predatory. When I came out, heterosexual women said “lesbians who use dildos are cheating. They made their choice.” Sexual orientation is not a competition we “cheat” at by being homosexual. Our bodies reject men. Men don’t own the act of penetration.
Patriarchy doesn’t reduce a woman’s ability to fetishise lesbians. Lesbians are used by women who know the social power of only dating men. 87% of lesbians reported a non-lesbian woman had said or implied that they “could sleep with or kiss a woman but never date one.” Lesbians are perceived as “predatory” by those who have privately exploited us.
Maria, 32, from Copenhagen, Denmark, said:
“I’ve slept with a number of “straight” women earlier in my life. I was still (am still) struggling with my own sexuality and I wasn’t very experienced in regards to non-straight sex. I felt like I had to put on a lesbian performance, be in control, and “show them how it was done.” Afterwards I would feel dirty, like a predatory lesbian, and I felt ashamed of my own desire. I guess I did it because I felt lucky that any woman gave me sexual attraction.”
Intersectionality
Denying that women can oppress other people is dangerous. Kimberlé Williams Crenshaw’s theory of intersectionality, introduced in 1989, describes how various axes of oppression overlap to create nuanced experiences with power, even amongst people of the same class.
“Although racism and sexism readily intersect in the lives of real people, they seldom do in feminist and antiracist practices. And so, when the practices expound identity as woman or person of color as an either/or proposition, they relegate the identity of women of color to a location that resists telling.”
– Kimberlé Crenshaw. Mapping the Margins: Intersectionality, Identity Politics, and Violence against Women of Color.
Lesbians experience intersecting sexism and homophobia. A lesbian can be rendered more marginalised with the addition of other axes of oppression, like racism. White women can be racist. Rich women can be classist. Straight women can be homophobic. Feminists should have solidarity with men of marginalised classes.
Sharni, 36, who grew up in New York but has lived in Australia for almost 20 years, said:
“Being black and a lesbian isn’t something I consciously think of anymore. I definitely used to think it about being gay a lot more when I was younger for reasons I hope are obvious like identity, societal perception and coming out. Being black (mixed to be clear) is something I’ve been much more aware of from the time I was a small child. Usually I’m reminded of one or both of these parts of me by other folks and not from conscious thoughts within me.
“When I’m reminded of those things by straight women or gay men it’s a little more jarring because those folks, on a base level, should be my allies, my confidants. Maybe the fact that those groups of people are so close to me can sometimes be the problem.
“I have a lot of gay male friends and have done since I was a teenager. White gay male culture is so thick with black female appropriation that it’s sometimes hard to spectate the two. When my white gay friends say shit like “yaaas Kween” or “go off sis” how mad or hurt should I be? Did they get it from a black female character in a film or did they get it from JVN on Queer Eye?
It’s important to note that I have two black gay male friends whom I’m extremely close with and never feel this way around, though they can sometimes say stupid shit about “how does lesbian sex work?” Like it can’t happen without a phallus!
“When it comes to straight white women, I find that if I even try to mention the intersections of how my race and sexuality affect my experience – and my feminism – they can act as though I’ve attacked them personally. Though I’ve also had experiences where white women have been so earnest in their response to me that it felt forced.
“When it comes to straight black women they can be downright cruel, saying things like “we’re not talking about sexuality, this is about women’s rights,” as though I can somehow separate out certain parts of myself. Like I mentioned earlier, I think it’s the closeness, the proximity, that can cause the problem. Other Black women feel and are so close to me that if I veer away from them in any way (my sexuality) they take it personally and feel close enough to give me their unguarded feelings about it no matter how dismissive.
“All of those examples are what I call the more extreme that I’ve experienced and most of what I experience on a day to day basis is more subtle, like the expectation that I’m their loud, sassy black friend. Don’t get me wrong, I am those things – and am happy about it – but I’m not one dimensional. I’m lots [of] other things too. Sometimes straight women and, in my personal experience, white gay men, can want you to be one particular thing. Like you’re a box they want to tick on their “diverse” list of friends.”
Gay solidarity
Lesbian women and gay men have a long history of solidarity with each other. A lavender marriage is a superficial heterosexual marriage which aims to conceal one or both of their homosexual orientations. It means that gay and/or lesbian people can appear “straight” to society while discreetly pursuing their true desire. The prevalence of lavender marriage depends on the level of homosexual persecution in any given society.
In 1903, lesbian artist Romaine Brooks married John Ellingham Brooks, a gay pianist suffering financial hardship. Romaine had inherited a large sum of money in 1902 – after a life of poverty, abuse, and starvation – when her neglectful mother died and her grandfather left his estate to Romaine and her sister. Years before the marriage, John Ellingham Brooks fled to Capri because he feared being prosecuted for homosexuality after the 1895 trial of Oscar Wilde. Romaine similarly fled to Capri a couple of years after John Ellingham Brooks did, to escape a straight male student in her life art class who sexually harassed and stalked her, even attempting to force her into marrying him.
The lavender marriage wasn’t without its problems. Despite being gay, John Ellingham Brooks took issue when Romaine cut her hair short and bought “men’s clothes.” John refused to be seen in public with her. Perhaps this was because John so desperately wanted to hide his sexual orientation and Romaine’s gender non-conforming appearance de-”normalised” them.
Regardless of his motivation, it reflected John’s privilege for being a man. Unlike what was expected of women, John was able to walk down the street in comfortable clothing. Romaine got nervous when John started referring to her money as “our money,” too. It was her inherited money that she shared with him. Her charity increasingly became expected. The lavender marriage ended a year after it started.
Lesbians report feeling more understood and less marginalised by gay men than they do straight women. 60% of lesbians said gay men had shaped their coming out story in a positive way. 61% said they felt more “seen” by gay men, as opposed to straight women. 67% said they felt more victimised by straight women than they do by gay men.
Sahara, a 29-year-old lesbian from California, said:
“Coming out to gay male friends was easier than most people! They had the least amount of questions and treated it like a normal day. I don’t mind the fanfare of hetero allies being happy for me, but it’s refreshing to know my gay friends don’t really bat an eye lid (possibly because they weren’t shocked by it), and it seemed to strengthen some of my relationships with them.”
Despite reports of positive experiences with gay men, many lesbians feel betrayed and rejected by them. Only 57% said gay men make them feel welcome in gay and lesbian spaces. 38% said gay men had inflicted misogynistic harassment/bullying on them. That’s far less than the homophobic harassment/bullying straight women had reportedly committed, but it’s still 38% too much. 60% said that gay men prioritise relationships with straight women over relationships with lesbians. Feeling used and spat out when it’s convenient is a common thread in many lesbians’ relationships with both gay men and straight women.
Gay men and straight women both hold power over lesbians under heteropatriarchy. 87% of the 2000+ lesbian responders said gay men didn’t acknowledge their male privilege enough and 90% said straight women didn’t acknowledge their straight privilege enough. Gay men and straight women jump at the chance to feel powerful because of the ways they’re oppressed.
An anonymous lesbian model from the U.S. said gay men leverage power in the fashion industry:
“[The fashion industry is a] small segment of society where gay men are lauded and sometimes it feels like they use that position of privilege in fashion to put other people, especially women, down. The misogynist aggression usually comes in the form of constant mean and snarky comments, like all the times they’ve pointed out things like a grey hair to call me old at 21.
“I remember once, a gay man on set wouldn’t stop harassing me about how ugly my masculine energy makes me, that I looked like an ‘unattractive dyke’…Another gay man I worked with told me I had 2 ears and 2 eyes and one mouth which meant I needed to always be quiet and listen.
I even had a friend have a very prominent gay designer put a paper bag over her head during a fitting so she didnt ‘think too much of herself’. I witnessed friends get dragged to hell and back about their fashion sense and outfits by gay male agents.
“Of course this isn’t only a misogyny issue but a fashion industry issue. I don’t want to turn this into a critique of the latter. But it has always felt like there was an abuse of power from gay men, who specifically target young vulnerable girls to feel better about themselves.
“I often end up thinking about the scene in modern family where Cam & Mitch make a venn diagram of why gay men and lesbian women aren’t friends. And I find it to be true. I’ve only had 2 gay male friends in my life… rarely do I feel any more comfortable around gay men than straight men. The constant snarkiness and anti-vagina sentiments are exhausting.”
Solidarity with women
Some feminists think women are absolved from homophobia because they’re rendered powerless by patriarchy. Tell that to the 54% of lesbians who said they were outcasted or cut off by straight women when they came out. Or the 62% who reported being harassed or bullied by straight women for being a lesbian. Lesbians feel disempowered by other women. 90% said straight women don’t acknowledge their privilege enough.
One anonymous responder said:
“I’ll use my mother as an example…When I told her – or more like I was outed in my Muslim North African household – she didn’t dare look at my face, didn’t speak to me for months, didn’t provide me with food (at the time I was 13) and when she finally looked at me and was about to say something I was so happy I thought ‘oh shes gonna talk to me again’ but the only thing that came out of her mouth was ‘you’re going to burn, you’re a shame to the family, I’m so disgusted by you.’”
Non-lesbian women aid men in the fetishisation of lesbians, too. 80% of lesbians said they have felt fetishised by “straight” or het-partnered women. A staggering 94% of responders who have used dating apps and chose to only view women said that they were presented with man/woman couples looking for a threesome or a third.
TW: sexual abuse. Laura, a 20-something year old from Finland, was still in the closet while with an ex-boyfriend when her best friend, a straight woman who knew Laura was a closeted, sexually abused her after making sure she was drunk first:
“When I confronted her about it after coming out, she explained that she wanted me to be happy and get those experiences with a woman. She told me she was ‘protecting my relationship with my boyfriend so we wouldn’t break up,’ so she ‘sacrificed herself’ so I could have my lesbian experiences…my ex-boyfriend and ex-best friend were my childhood friends…This abuse was done in agreement with my boyfriend who also sometimes took part.”
Lesbians are sexually exploited by women who want to be perceived, by heteronormative society, as straight. 87% of lesbians reported a non-lesbian woman had said or implied that they “could sleep with or kiss a woman but never date one.” 46% reported a het-partnered woman advancing on them to perform for their boyfriend/husband. One lesbian messaged that a woman who approached her on the dance floor locked eyes with a man while the women kissed. It was her partner. 83% of lesbians have been told that women in monogamous, het-partnered relationships can be intimate with another woman because it “doesn’t count as cheating.”
Rach, from Australia, said:
“I had a friend at university who is bisexual and who, at the time of meeting her, had a boyfriend. I was unaware of her boyfriend at the time and she frequently and quite obviously expressed interest in me. I, in turn, was interested in her and occasionally we would flirt. She invited me out one day to a cafe to eat together, which very much felt like a date, although neither of us described it that day.
“One day, when at a university event at a club, she got drunk, and spent a lot of the night around me and expressed quite a bit of interest in me. At one point, while dancing, she grabbed me to kiss me on the lips. She did this without warning and afterwards kept making indications she wanted to go home with me, which did not happen. We organised to go out for lunch to talk about it afterwards, where I learnt she had a male partner.
“We got talking, and I explained I didn’t want to start a relationship at the moment, to which she explained that if I had wanted to, she would have broken up with her boyfriend and gotten together with me. I should probably mention that her boyfriend was aware she had kissed me at this event. It was a bit upsetting to me to be flirted with when I wasn’t aware she was partnered, as otherwise I wouldn’t have been as flirtatious.
“More upsetting is that after this happened there was another night when she got drunk and explained to me and some friends that although she felt more attracted to women, she would probably never have a serious or committed relationship with another women, or tell her parents about it.”
If we don’t protect the meaning of lesbianism – women who are attracted to women but not to men – then it will become impossible to address or unify lesbians as a class… who are disempowered by men and women. The violence heterosexual men commit against their partners doesn’t excuse the violence non-lesbian women inflict on lesbians. The homophobic persecution gay men experience does not excuse their misogyny, either.
Solidarity with gay men and all women is equally important for lesbian liberation. However, lesbians have already played their part. We’ve been shot for trying. In order to achieve dual solidarity, the lesbian intersection – being both homosexual and women – must be accounted for and respected by non-lesbian people.
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