Q&A style posts on LesbianHerstory.com are an opportunity for readers to ask questions that serve as prompting topics for LH to write about. Questions can be advice-based, about our hot takes, asking whether we’ll cover a certain event or figure from history, or about lesbian news and media – you name it. Send your questions/prompts to contact@lesbianherstory.com or DM them to the Lesbian Herstory Instagram.
Reader’s Question: “I grew up in a mixed-race household with two Americanised parents (one of whom was an immigrant). Given that I was not raised with an ethnic culture or a religion due to this, I have found cultural grounding in lesbian communities. They are the only relevant cultural community to me. I wonder if it’s healthy or normal, or if the grounding of a religion/ethnic culture is non-substitutable? Worried about comparing apples to oranges about something as deep as identity and belonging?”
It is unequivocally healthy and normal to find a sense of belonging in your lesbianism. Many people grow roots in their marginalised cultures because the world is harsh to the oppressed and a relatable community heals us.
Lesbians are dissuaded from articulating and maintaining their own culture and history for a variety of heteropatriarchal reasons. Perhaps that’s why you felt compelled to ask whether finding a sense of belonging in lesbian culture and communities is acceptable.
Lesbian culture is an accumulation of lore built on the foundation of something innate. Lesbianism has a history, sacred places and texts, signs and symbols, traditions and celebrations. However, unlike patriarchal religion, lesbianism isn’t based on conforming to a set of uniform beliefs. There is no hierarchy of power.
Lesbianism is an objective, material reality. Are you a female who is only attracted to fellow females? Congratulations, you’re a lesbian! Liking lesbian culture is not a prerequisite for being a lesbian, but learning about it can help overcome internalised homophobia by finding meaningful connections to lesbians of the past and present.
Finally finding others like yourself after a lifetime alone can feel as momentous as someone sheltering you during a deadly storm. Most lesbians (87%, 400 responders) on the Lesbian Herstory Instagram said they seek out lesbian-focused communities. Even more (93%) say they benefit from lesbian-only communities. But barely any (16%) found real-life communities that ONLY included lesbians.
Marginalised communities need to find community amongst themselves…
Separatism is tremendously important for oppressed communities. While coalitions are important, lesbians should be distinguished as a group separate from any larger non-lesbian body of people. Erasing specificity and making everything “queer” does not serve homosexuals. It does not serve lesbians. Lesbian separatism is about protecting the material, unique class we belong to. It’s about focusing on our own community rather than constantly sacrificing for everybody else.
While lesbians share the experience of same-sex attraction with bisexual females, lacking opposite-sex attraction in a world that demands it of us is a uniquely alienating homosexual experience that is barely, if ever, accounted for. Lesbians are influenced to be inclusive above taking care of themselves, or else they’re punished, labelled a ‘bad woman’, and ostracised. We need lesbian-only communities to make sense of ourselves.
I asked the Lesbian Herstory Instagram for some positive and negative features of lesbian-focused communities:
Positives mentioned:
- Strength, empowerment & camaraderie of being together
- Getting to see more women enforce their boundaries
- No male-praising
- Relatability and like-mindedness is good for mental health
- Making dating and friendship connections
- Skill-sharing
- Political organising
Negatives mentioned:
- Males and bisexuals always trying to take over the space, it can feel unsafe and targeted, and the spaces often do become inclusive to non-lesbians due to the abuse – stripping away the lesbian-only quality
- Can become a hivemind, a political monolith not 100% open to different opinions or more marginalised lesbians
- Drama (which is in most groups of strong people – technically politics is just drama)
The withdrawal from seeking lesbian-only communities, because most are filled with bisexuals and/or males, was a common complaint among lesbians who responded. Like one lesbian DM’d to the Instagram: “I honestly can’t even think of a community that outwardly says they’re lesbian-centred.”
There were barely any serious negatives to lesbian-only communities besides non-lesbians meddling. Why isn’t this called out as the lesbophobia it is? Why aren’t lesbians viewed as the oppressed group they are, trying to seek shelter from the storm like any other targeted class? We are prey, in this sociopolitical climate, and we’re expected to keep our door open for predators… or else we are considered the violent ones.
Another lesbian sent: “In the current political climate it is really exhausting to be around anyone who ISN’T a lesbian, because of the “queer” community and the straight “allies” who parrot anti-homosexuality mantras and ideas. The thing that makes me wary of so-called “lesbian communities” is that a lot of them are filled with bisexuals and males.”
Another common issue in building lesbian-only communities was the struggle to find lesbians who don’t virtue signal (often demanding the inclusion of non-lesbians in the process).
“My only issue [with lesbian-only communities] is that finding lesbians who don’t support queer theory is difficult,” a third lesbian sent in. “It’s hard to navigate because figuring out who supports it and who doesn’t is tricky since revealing that you don’t support it will get you harassed and bullied out of the few spaces you have. I don’t want to have to lie about my beliefs and vocally support the inclusion of men in lesbianism/lesbian spaces so I’m just kinda isolated. Otherwise, I can’t think of a negative – it’s literally my dream.”
How often can a lesbian open a generic magazine, that is made for females, without all the sex and relationship advice being geared towards opposite-sex attraction? How many mainstream movies and television shows feature lesbian leads? And how much “lesbian” media is for lesbians? Non-lesbians feeling so entitled to the little terminology, spaces and community we have is symptomatic of the very invasive, sexualised form of homophobia that uniquely impacts female homosexuals.
“Lesbian rights are a fiction in a male world.” Austin Lesbian Organization at Austin Pride, June 26, 1976. Photo by Robin Birdfeather.
When the powerful find belonging in their empowerment…
On the flip side, powerful categories of people automatically become the norm. Over-identification with dominating traits can become an issue. Is ‘White Pride’ necessary when being white is considered the attractive, clean and intelligent default? Why would you feel like whiteness is under threat when people demand accountability for racism unless you thought white power was natural and therefore owed?
It’s similarly the case with Men’s Rights Activists, incels and male misogynists. They identify with their maleness to the point of claiming victimhood, despite living in a patriarchal world that clearly benefits them. When almost all violent crime–especially sexual–is committed by males, and almost all victims of sexual crime are female, which sex’s freedom is limited because they feel unsafe on the street? Which sex is objectively more unsafe around the other?
Lesbians are an oppressed class. Female homosexuality is not bigoted. Seeking private communities among ourselves isn’t exclusionary, but necessary to our safety and survival. It’s very telling that a class made up of only females, further marginalised due to their sexual orientation–that naturally excludes males–is guilted and shamed for wanting independence. The homophobia we experience is tailored to females.
Whether it be a green-haired nonbinary person carrying a trans flag, or an obnoxious right-wing drunkard at the pub, hating lesbians for not being attracted to males is heteropatriarchy in action. Regulate your emotions about it, bro. Cope.
Being a lesbian can sometimes feel like rowing a single-oared tin boat in the middle of a stormy sea. We are far from normalised and empowered. It is integral for lesbians to find a sense of belonging by seeking out lesbian-focused communities because we are excluded from ‘normal’ life. The alternative to grounding ourselves in some form of lesbian community is remaining untethered in a world not built for us… yet.
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